Ten things I learned from my kids, and learned again from my dog

by Debra Ross

Sixteen years ago, I started having kids. What the parenting books tell you is true: Even among all of the frustrations of diapers, tantrums, spilled apple juice, and LEGOs underfoot, being a parent transforms you as a person. You see the world through brand-new eyes. You learn patience and perspective, and feel the pride in small accomplishments that comes from a brand-new person mastering a brand-new skill. A new spirit of wonder infuses your life.

As time marches along, if you’ve done your job right, your kids start to behave more like competent humans and less like the helpless love sponges you brought into your world. But here’s what the parenting books don’t tell you: As kids grow into the preteens and teens who are pushing your buttons as they push their own envelopes, as you focus on launching them into the world with lots of marketable skills and zero criminal tendencies, a lot of that awe-and-wonder stuff drops off your radar.

But then, if you’re lucky, life hands you a puppy.

Six months ago, Zoe the goldendoodle came into our world, and I got the chance to relive the wonders of my kids' baby-hood all over again. Zoe reminded me of so many of the important things I’d learned from the kids, but forgotten along the way. Here are the top ten eleven* lessons.

1: Small creatures are small creatures.

A puppy is a puppy, just like a preschooler is a preschooler. She is not a small version of an adult dog, much less an adult human. She has never been in the world before, so she has no idea how things work or what to do.

What Zoe reminded me: Have realistic expectations of others. Assuming that a small creature understands what she’s never encountered only sets yourself up for frustration.

2: Learning is never magic.

A puppy, just like a toddler, can’t learn something the very first time you show her. It takes many repetitions before anything becomes a habit. She’ll mess up a lot before she gets the hang of doing something important, like peeing where you want her to.

What Zoe reminded me: Patience yields results, impatience only magnifies frustration.

3: Lack of exercise and fresh air will drive you crazy.

Almost the first thing any owner’s guide to a new puppy will tell you is how much exercise they need. Too little exercise, too little exploring of the world to develop their senses, and you’ll have one frantic, misbehaving little puppy--or preschooler. Too much time cooped up within the four walls makes anyone a little stir-crazy.

What Zoe reminded me: What’s good for babies is good for human mommies: Get outside! A brisk walk two or three times a day is great for everyone’s mental—and physical—health, and you’ll sleep better at night. Plus, it’s free.

4: Play!

Puppies, and kids, are made for play. They learn about the world through play. They make and strengthen relationships through play. They build their muscles and mental capacities through play. Those who keep playing keep the joy that playing brings.

What Zoe reminded me: Get rid of the attitude that playing is only for those with idle time! Playing is productive. Whole human-ness, like whole puppy-ness, can be attained by infusing life with every opportunity possible to play.

5: Messiness is in the eye of the beholder.

Puppies, and babies, and preschoolers, and teenagers, do not care about mess. They do not perceive mess. They cannot understand what you’re talking about when you rant about messes.

What Zoe reminded me: If not having mess matters to me, then it’s my responsibility to structure the environment to minimize mess.

6: Fear works… but do you want it to?

A small creature—canine or human—can learn through patience and positive reinforcement. They can learn through FEAR, too. Both “work” for modifying bad behavior. Fear may even take less time than happy leadership does. But when you take the authoritarian shortcut, you sacrifice the relationship you want to build for the future.

What Zoe reminded me: Let the long term result you want with your small creature—a solid, loving, happy, fulfilling friendship—inform how you act every moment.

7: Sometimes, you just need to sleep. Or eat.

Nature is nature. We can only do what we can do. Small bodies are designed to run until they run out of fuel, and then they need to sleep, or eat. Skilled grownup humans can sometimes override the crankiness that comes when they don’t sleep or eat properly, but small creatures cannot.

What Zoe reminded me: Pay attention to the demands of your body. Provide for them, don’t fight them.

8: The here and now is as important as the future.

Puppies, and babies, live exclusively in the moment. They can’t plan for the future or realize the implications of their actions, no matter how hard you wish they could.

What Zoe reminded me: Expect, and accept, that others’ actions won’t line up with your own plans. Small creatures do not have goals in the same way adult humans do.

9: Greet your pack like a puppy.

There is nothing like being welcomed in a frenzy of joy. Whether I’m coming back from a trip, downstairs from taking a shower, or inside from taking the trash to the curb, Zoe’s whole being communicates her ecstacy way better than words: You’re BACK! My life is ten thousand times better than it was five minutes ago! Watch me wiggle all over and possibly pee on the floor in excitement!

Who can resist this? No one.

What Zoe reminded me: Convey in words and body language to your kids, spouse, family, friends, and colleagues how pleased you are to see them. Avoid peeing on the floor.

10: Love like a puppy.

Puppies’ capacity for love is virtually limitless. Taking care of their needs in a few simple ways generates their unshakeable faith in your value in their world. They tell you they love you even on days you feel you don't deserve it. And the more you respond happily to their adoration, the firmer your connection with them for the rest of their lives. Zoe tells me in her puppy language that I light up her life. (My teenagers tell me the same thing, I think, but I have to peer deep through the sarcasm to find it. Someday I’ll be smart again!)

What Zoe reminded me: Find the simple good in good people, and let them know they make your world glow.

*11 (a late-breaking night-before-publication addition): When you leave a dozen beautifully-decorated owl cupcakes out on the kitchen table, nine of them may mysteriously disappear.

Is the culprit a puppy or a kid? It will be hard to tell, because no one’s talking.

Debra Ross is founder and publisher of KidsOutAndAbout.com. She is the author of Seasons and Reasons: A Parent's Guide to Cultivating Great Kids.

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